Waiting Room of Dr. Blaine Stylez - Orthodontist to the Stars

Hey Kids,

Well this past week, it was time for my six month dental check up with Dr. Blaine Stylez M.D.S., Orthodontist to the stars.

I arrived early as I usually do hoping to take full advantage of the newly opened shiatsu massage wing of the waiting room. However, there was a minor snag to plan Granted, the word ‘minor’ is not the most accurate description, and maybe “four time NBA Championship winner Shaquille O’Neal”, is the right one. It was so great to see Shaq again.  I hadn’t seen him since we had that Kazaam movie marathon in Dubai last year. We watched the movie Kazaam over and over again for eight weeks, all of the while denying ourselves food and water.

“Hey Jared, what’s going on? Did you see my video on YouTube where I diss Kobe?  Did you notice how at the end, I just kept repeating the only two lines that got a reaction from the audience? Pretty dope, huh?”, Shaq said with an intense zest for life.

At this point, the four tiny asian women who were administering the shiatsu massage to Shaq, lept into the air and became one, slightly taller Asian woman and landed directly onto Shaq’s T7 vertebrae.

“I’m gonna be here for a while, my appointment is not for another two weeks.”, Shaq grunted.

“Alright big guy, I’m going to go see if I can get some time in the recording studio before my appointment.”, I said to Shaq.

So I took the gondola from the Shiatsu wing to the Recording Studio portion of the waiting room.  When I got there, Journey was just about to go in and lay down tracks for a new album.

“Oh hey Jared, do you have time to fill in on bass before your appointment?”, said Steve Perry, the front man of Journey.

“Sure, I’ll do it”, I said.

So we layed down thirty six new Christmas themed songs in about fifteen minutes.  The album is coming out next summer. Steve came up with this idea for a Radiohead/Nine Inch Nails-esque marketing campaign to release a Christmas album in July. It will only be available for download and people can choose to pay between $100 - $100,000 for it.  It’s pretty brilliant if you ask me and I think it will pay off pretty huge, as the jams are hot.

“Jared Sales, Dr. Blaine Stylez is ready to see you, please board the helicopter now.”, his receptionist Barb’s voice blared over the Dolby surround p.a. system.

“Alright guys, I’ll see you in March for the world tour rehearsals.”, I said to the guys from Journey.

“Fuck you.” said Steve Perry.

“Alright buddy, I’ll talk to you later.”, I replied as I was walking away.

I took the ferry across the waiting room swimming pool to the helipad.  When I got off the boat, I looked up as a helicopter was landing. Sir Richard Branson blasted out of the helicopter with his jet-pack emitting a scolding hot burst of flames. 

“Hey Jared, we’ll doooooooo goollllllllllffffffff sooooooooonnnnnnnnnnn.”, Sir Richard howled in excitement as he shot hundreds of thousands of feet into the air.

I boarded the helicopter and the pilot looked familiar but I couldn’t place him at first. I’m not going to lie to you, the man had a hole in his chest.  I could see right through the front of him and right out of the back.  It was crazy.

“You seem distracted by the enormous hole in my chest, unbeknownst to me, a family of raccoons had been living in there since 1964. Eventually they had had enough, and they wanted out.”, the pilot exclaimed.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s rude to stare, but I’m fascinated by the enormous hole in your chest.”, I explained.

“I know, I can tell by the look in your eye, it’s a look of delight, not horror.”, the pilot replied.

Then we laughed for ten minutes.

By the time we finally stopped laughing, we were landing just outside the west gate entrance of Dr. Blaine Stylez’s office.

“My name is Tom Selleck, nice to meet you, support John McCain this November.”, the pilot said as I exited the helicopter.

“Well I can’t be sure, I’ll mull it over with Dr. Blaine.”, I replied.

The helicopter took off as a nasty weather system moved in from the east wing of the waiting room.  Thunder and lightning began to roar around me.

“Dr. Stylez will see you now, Jared.”, his dental assistant, actress Betty White said in a motherly voice.

All of the sudden, the sweetest R&B music since Jodeci began to fill the lavender scented air. It was so good it sounded as if it were coming straight from R. Kelly’s dick.

The doors to the office swung open as if they were straight out of the movie The Exorcist. Then I remembered that they actually were straight out of the movie The Exorcist. Linda Blair gave them to Dr. Stylez to celebrate two years without cavities.

“Hey buddy.” said the booming voice coming over the p.a. system.

“Dr. Stylez, it’s been a while!” I shouted in the general direction of the sound, I couldn’t see anything as a light as bright as the sun was shining into my eyes.

Out of the blinding light came the shadow of Dr. Stylez, closely followed by ten dental hygienists on roller skates.  They performed the first act of “Starlight Express” with one hundred percent note for note accuracy. As an encore, Dr. Stylez gave me two fillings and a consultation on the benefits of open mouth surgery.

“Wow, that was painless.”, I said.

“Hey, what can I say? I’m the best there is.”, said Dr. Stylez as he wrote a check to charity for one hundred thousand dollars in my name.

When Dr. Stylez says he’s the best, he means it.

Posse out,

Jared.